


Daddy, Where Did You Go?

by amanda_jolene



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen, fathers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 10:25:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1979316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanda_jolene/pseuds/amanda_jolene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes Rae 16 years to find a father.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daddy, Where Did You Go?

There are three time Rae grieves for her father. 

The first time is when she’s 6 and the first postcard comes. Rae’s had wild fantasies for the last year that one day her dad was going to show up with the dolly she wanted real bad and take her far away from her mum and the sitters. But she holds that little square of lamented cardstock, she knows he’s not her knight in shining armor the way Chloe’s dad and he’s not coming to rescue her and she cries herself to sleep. 

The second is when she’s 13 and she just knows he won’t miss her big birthday party. She had written a letter for him and given it to her mum (Rae has a sneaking suspicion Linda knows exactly where her dad is) and 3 days later, Rae gets a postcard that says Happy Birthday, Rae! I won’t be able to make it, don’t want to step on your mum’s toes. Love, Dad. PS- Absence makes the heart grow fonder! There’s no 13th birthday party because Rae holes up in her room for a week (and she cuts herself for the first time). 

The third and final time she grieves for her father is when she realizes the postcards aren’t real and she’s never had a father out there thinking of her, absent or not. She destroys and carves out space and when she finally done wrecking everything her path (and patches them up), she sits on her bed and stares at the expanse of wall where the postcards used to be. It feels like he’s been there all along and has just died and Rae is wailing. Heavy sobs and shakes until she hears Linda fly down the hall. 

"Rae, what-" Linda sits on the bed and tries to figure out what’s gone wrong. "Rae, tell me." 

Between shuddering breaths and hiccups, Rae shouts, “Dad is dead!” 

Linda knows the feeling and she hugs Rae blose, cheek resting on the top of her head. Linda had felt the same way when she had come home to find 6 month old Rae alone, her bank account nearly gone and a note that said This isn’t what I wanted.

She holds Rae for a long time and when Karim peers around the door frame, she motions him away. 

When she’s calm, Rae pulls back and demands, “Tell me about him. No sugar coated bullshit. Just the truth.” 

They’ve skated around the truth for sixteen years but she fiercly wants it now and Linda reckons she’s old enough to hear it. 

They met in a bar in the winter of 1979. He was playing pool and had a fresh cut on his face from a fight down the street. He had stared Linda down and didn’t buy her a drink or ask her name. He just said, “Let’s get out of hers.” Out of here was the parking lot and he’s rough with her, doesn’t care if she’s ready for his intrusion and when he’s finished, he kicks open the car door and jerks his head for her to get the fuck out. They do much of the same the next time they meet and she notices his clothes in the front seat. “My old lady kicked me out. Thought I was cheating on her,” he tells her with a toothy, handsome grin. A rush come over her that she’s explain (it’s the thrill of having a man choosing her over the woman he already has and she’ll chase the feeling for another 14 years). She offers him a place to stay and he moves in and a month later, she’s pregnant and he’s gone before Rae is one with Linda’s bank account and some 17 year old girl he met at the bar the night before. 

Linda is biting her nails and Rae isn’t crying anymore. She thinks she’s made a horrible mistake, maybe there are some things you shouldn’t tell you children but then Rae looks at her and says with a voice full of wisdom that’s above her age, “You didn’t deserve that.” It’s Rae’s turn to hold Linda as she cries and mother and daughter share an understanding that this man who has had such an impact of their lives by doing so little will no longer control any of their feelings. Linda lets go of the past and Rae finally stops grieving. 

Long after Linda’s gone, Rae thinks about the concept of fathers. The closest she’s ever had is Kester, a man she loves so completely (even when he’s irritating the hell out of her), who gives her tough love and advice and never shuns her. 

The next morning, Karim motions for her to come outside. He captures Mandela and hands the flitty bird to Rae before pointing to himself. “Me… uh, me… pere? Father?” And she laughs because Karim just father-propsed to her with her own bird but she nods. 

(It takes Rae 16 years to get a father, but suddenly she has the wealth of two).


End file.
